Moving forward

This has been a very long week. I'm trying to start research for a term paper for my European Media Systems class (yes, I'm taking a Communications class with absolutely no idea what I'm doing). I think it would be interesting to write about Switzerland because they have 4 official languages, or 5 if you count English, but I can't decide what aspect to focus on. Radio? Television? Telecommunications? What does it mean? Haha. I'm a little bit out of my element here.

This week has mostly been long due to the repercussions of Miles' demise. I saw an old picture of Miles that a friend of mine out here has. This picture was taken around June of 2002, I think. He was such a cute kid. He looked so typical like all of us. Even though I wasn't as close to him during that past year or two as I was while Jeremy was still in Denver, I can't help but feel like a poor friend to him. I don't think he had many close friends at the time I met him, in fact, I don't recall him mentioning anyone in particular, and we often connected when I went out to Denver to visit or when he visited Seattle occasionally. It was on his first trip out to visit us in Seattle that he met my friend Emily and began their tumultuous relationship. The four of us spent much time together during the months that followed. I talked to Miles often and Jeremy and I were a steady part of his life. I think he considered us to be the closest friends he had. After Emily and I graduated from high school and she left for college, things changed for all of us and life got busy. Jeremy moved out to Seattle the next year and we saw and talked to Miles less and less. Having lost contact with Emily during college, Miles also posed as a painful reminder of my close friendship that was no more.

I'm not trying to beat myself up over this. I just failed to stop and consider how Miles' social network deteriorated during this time as well. After his break up with Emily, Miles' behavior grew worse and worse. I just wish I could have made time to talk to my friend more. I wish I could have offered more of a supportive ear. I'm really going to miss Miles much more than I anticipated under the circumstances of our distanced friendship.

On another note, Halloween went as fast as it came. It was fun but I wasn't really into it. We went to 2 parties, more out of feelings of obligation than an actual desire to be social on my part. It took the few days between to really break through the haze surrounding my head but I think I'm done grieving until I go back to Denver and can grieve with friends.

Goodbye Friend

We received news today that an old friend committed suicide last Friday. Miles was quite a character. I think we all had a love-hate relationship with him over the years which he also shared with himself. It's really hard to filter into words the emotional rollercoaster that you experience at a time like this. This marks the first death I've experienced of someone I not only knew, but cared deeply for in that "old friend that I always wish to keep in contact with" sort of way. Jeremy is amazing at repressing emotion. He was so business-like on the phone that I had no reason to think anything was wrong. He told me that Miles shot himself through the heart so flippantly that I thought it wasn't for real. "With what?" I asked. A gun. What was I expecting? A Nerf dart? Kind of. "Is he dead?" This is what you're supposed to ask. They always do in the movies and on tv. Miles is tough though; his body has survived much more than mine has. I wasn't prepared for the reality that life can be taken away so easily.

It's disconcerting that the trite "life is short and delicate" statement that is drilled into our psyche via the media is so true. I keep thinking that maybe this is a joke; maybe we'll hear that he's really alive and well and I'll see him the next time I'm in Denver. Then the horrible "I should'ves" break through the emotional clouding. I wish I had called him this past week. My sister told me that he was going through some tough times (not uncommon) and she didn't know what else to say to help him. Calling Miles was on my list of things to do, I swear, and I just wish I had. It wouldn't have made a damn difference in the outcome of events but I wish I could have heard his voice one last time and told him that I love him and care about him. I also wish I could have seen him in July. We tried to coordinate but didn't seem to make it work.

I had to call Emily, one of my best friends from high school and Miles' previous girlfriend, to give her the news. I haven't talked to her in at least 6 months and hated that my message was this awful. Her breakdown was so painful. My legs were shaking and I had to sit down. Finally, struggling through the breath caught in her throat, she voiced: "I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch with you." I had given up on our friendship 99% after numerous failed attempts to see her and instantly I felt her sincerity and missed her greatly.

Most of all, it pains me to know that on Friday while I was sitting in the counseling office at school, filling out paperwork to finally work through the stress, anxiety and depression that's plagued me for years, Miles was planning his final moments. My last wish would have been for him to give the notion of happiness a chance and realize that help is available to find it.

Some of my favorite memories from teenagehood were spent with Miles, Emily and Jeremy. I'm upset that his story ends this way but I am grateful that I met him and spent time with him. I hope that his soul is content, wherever it may be, and that he may rest assured that he is well-loved and in our thoughts.

A newish life

So, October 2007 and where am I? I'm living back with my parents in Edmonds, working back in the restaurant industry and am back in school. I'm still becoming accustomed to my new schedule, including the late hours of commuting, and still becoming accustomed to the numerous hours of alone time I have now. It's actually kind of horrible. I can sleep in, read the paper, go to the gym every day and then go to class. As if having to transfer to the evening degree program was bad enough, now I hardly have any contact with my family or friends during the day and I'm living outside the city. I sent several messages to friends over the course of the week and only heard back from the dependable folk that live out of the city. That figures.

I also thought I was looking forward to going back to school but after completing my first full week... I'm ready to be done. I think I've reached my limit. All classes are the same! Complete these few assignments, take the midterm, write a term paper and pass the final. It's so boring and hard to stay motivated when confronted with the same workload every quarter. I think I'm ready to be a working professional!

On top of this, I'm left wondering in these endless hours of alone time if my dying, one-sided relationship is really on its last leg. It's hard to tell but, honestly, it can't be done alone. Still, I'm trying to figure out which part of it I'm clinging to most. In the end, it's hard to make sense of someone else's actions without any communication. 'Nough said.

I can at least say that I've gotten to slow myself down in terms of work and other commitments. I've gotten to go to the gym, focus on myself and be selfish. Completely. I suppose that's worth the loneliness. Thanks for reading.

I'm back.

I was reminded of this blog today and decided I should revive it. Because it's out there. I have experienced enormous change in the year since I last posted here. I like to think that I've grown up. A lot. I've shaken my low self-esteem and restored my sense of self worth. I am enjoying a new confidence that I couldn't have found if not for the personal turmoil I've experienced over the last couple of months. Breaking up provided the push I needed to find my own strength by forcing me into the darkest place I've ever been. Jeremy and I have been talking since and have been able to restore a healthier relationship with each other as a result. I finally see the significance in taking things slow and have discovered several things I would like to accomplish before settling down. For instance, I'm tentatively planning a lengthy trip through Europe next Summer/Fall of '08. I haven't traveled abroad yet and am excited to experience places I've only dreamt of! Hopefully I can refresh my French before going but I'm not sure that I'll get around to France this time. If you have any travel experience/tips to offer, please do!

On another note, I just finished reading Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs. He's on the same track as David Sedaris (whom I love!) if you're unfamiliar. I found the following passage to be extremely poignant:

"I take the subway uptown. I think, Have I given up anything by living with another person? Has there been a trade-off? Always, there is a trade-off. And the answer comes to me instantly. I have given up a certain degree of freedom. The ability to plow through my life with utter disregard for the thoughts and feelings of other people. I can no longer read a magazine and throw it on the floor.
"In exchange, I get unlimited access to the one person I have met in my life whom I automatically felt was out of my league. My favorite human being, the single person I cherish above all others. This is the person I get to share the oxygen in the room with.
"And for this, I will happily scrub the toilet. And I won't make fun of anybody who drives an SUV. Unless, of course, they really deserve it. And I'll try to let things happen. Not always feel like I have to control everything.
"With the exception of those things I can control, that is, with my mind."

This is my favorite quotation of the week:
Garrison Keillor wants to apologize to Republicans. Here's what he wrote on Salon: "Having been called names, one looks back at one's own angry outbursts over the years, and I recall having once referred to Republicans as 'hairy-backed swamp developers, fundamentalist bullies, freelance racists, hobby cops, sweatshop tycoons, line jumpers, marsupial moms and aluminum-siding salesmen, misanthropic frat boys, ninja dittoheads, shrieking midgets, tax cheats, cheese merchants, cat stranglers, pill pushers, nihilists in golf pants, backed-up Baptists, the grand pooh-bahs of Percodan, mouth breathers, testosterone junkies and brownshirts in pinstripes.'

"I look at those words now, and 'cat stranglers' seems excessive to me. The number of cat stranglers in the ranks of the Republican Party is surely low, and that reference was hurtful to Republicans and to cat owners. I feel sheepish about it."

And my roommate, Meghna. 

Here's my dorm room for those interested. My bed's on the right. 

So. A new quarter, how exciting. My classes aren't too bad so far... in fact, they're really quite boring. I hope it gets more interesting. I'm taking Intro to the New Testament (and I'm at a state school, so this shall be intriguing), Classical Greek/Roman Mythology, Sociology of Sport (so far I've learned that javelin is not a sport but warfare and luge is merely transportation) and finally Management for Organizational Effectiveness - though this is a prereq and not my choice, haha. I went to Swedish earlier and remembered again why I'm not becoming a nurse - let's just say that two of the patients have colon issues and I'll say that one never forgets the smell of a resulting colostomy.

Daylight savings screws so much up. Is it really worth it to keep practicing it? I've always thought it was so strange that we can just change time... like God or something. I know time is man-made but really. However, it is nice to have the extra hour of daylight as I walk through the sketch that is Seattle's Capitol Hill district and get wooted at by various men, just for fun. I hate life.

everything in the present

I can't remember the last time I actually had free time during the school week. I took my computer class midterm on Friday, so we're starting a new "unit" so to speak and I haven't been assigned homework yet. I just had a history quiz yesterday, that I think (hope) went well since I crammed 'til 2am the night before (bad Sara). And German... well, I finished the assignment last night and am waiting for my chat partner to come online so we can finish an online chat assignment. I'm not one to skip ahead and do homework that hasn't been assigned yet either.

I had a really tough weekend. I had another run-in with my boss on Saturday night, when he blamed me for a mistake that I wasn't responsible for and kicked me out of working in the kitchen. Hannah tells me I'm being too sensitive as far as he's concerned. But he's really a jerk! I don't know - does anyone else value his integrity and dignity so much at work that he really can't handle being falsely blamed for mistakes? I really pride myself on my work ethic and don't make many mistakes. Let me know what you think. So anyway, I was so fired up that I gave him my two weeks notice and kind of chewed him out a little bit. My coworker, Dillon, was sad to hear it and that kept me up for a lengthy period later that night. This is about the worst situation. I love my coworkers and really enjoy coming to work to see them, but my boss is really making it hard for me to do my job. I told him on Sunday, after having thought about my options but not wanting to retract my notice, that I would try working out in the restaurant, taking orders more, and basically staying away from him (he claims that I have excellent customer service skills... I'm not so sure) just to see if it will improve my work environment. If it improves, great; if not, adios.

That's about all that's been going on and also answers why I waited 'til the wee hours of Sunday night to cram for my quiz. I've been a completely nonfunctional mess. Oh, but on the bright side, I've been kicking ass in school so far. I got the highest grade on my computer midterm, and I got a 4.0 on my first history paper. Being able to manage both my work schedule and my school schedule is a huge accomplishment in my eyes, even if it limits my social life. My parents (and Jeremy) severely wish I would quit my job. I just can't do it.