Goodbye Friend

We received news today that an old friend committed suicide last Friday. Miles was quite a character. I think we all had a love-hate relationship with him over the years which he also shared with himself. It's really hard to filter into words the emotional rollercoaster that you experience at a time like this. This marks the first death I've experienced of someone I not only knew, but cared deeply for in that "old friend that I always wish to keep in contact with" sort of way. Jeremy is amazing at repressing emotion. He was so business-like on the phone that I had no reason to think anything was wrong. He told me that Miles shot himself through the heart so flippantly that I thought it wasn't for real. "With what?" I asked. A gun. What was I expecting? A Nerf dart? Kind of. "Is he dead?" This is what you're supposed to ask. They always do in the movies and on tv. Miles is tough though; his body has survived much more than mine has. I wasn't prepared for the reality that life can be taken away so easily.

It's disconcerting that the trite "life is short and delicate" statement that is drilled into our psyche via the media is so true. I keep thinking that maybe this is a joke; maybe we'll hear that he's really alive and well and I'll see him the next time I'm in Denver. Then the horrible "I should'ves" break through the emotional clouding. I wish I had called him this past week. My sister told me that he was going through some tough times (not uncommon) and she didn't know what else to say to help him. Calling Miles was on my list of things to do, I swear, and I just wish I had. It wouldn't have made a damn difference in the outcome of events but I wish I could have heard his voice one last time and told him that I love him and care about him. I also wish I could have seen him in July. We tried to coordinate but didn't seem to make it work.

I had to call Emily, one of my best friends from high school and Miles' previous girlfriend, to give her the news. I haven't talked to her in at least 6 months and hated that my message was this awful. Her breakdown was so painful. My legs were shaking and I had to sit down. Finally, struggling through the breath caught in her throat, she voiced: "I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch with you." I had given up on our friendship 99% after numerous failed attempts to see her and instantly I felt her sincerity and missed her greatly.

Most of all, it pains me to know that on Friday while I was sitting in the counseling office at school, filling out paperwork to finally work through the stress, anxiety and depression that's plagued me for years, Miles was planning his final moments. My last wish would have been for him to give the notion of happiness a chance and realize that help is available to find it.

Some of my favorite memories from teenagehood were spent with Miles, Emily and Jeremy. I'm upset that his story ends this way but I am grateful that I met him and spent time with him. I hope that his soul is content, wherever it may be, and that he may rest assured that he is well-loved and in our thoughts.

A newish life

So, October 2007 and where am I? I'm living back with my parents in Edmonds, working back in the restaurant industry and am back in school. I'm still becoming accustomed to my new schedule, including the late hours of commuting, and still becoming accustomed to the numerous hours of alone time I have now. It's actually kind of horrible. I can sleep in, read the paper, go to the gym every day and then go to class. As if having to transfer to the evening degree program was bad enough, now I hardly have any contact with my family or friends during the day and I'm living outside the city. I sent several messages to friends over the course of the week and only heard back from the dependable folk that live out of the city. That figures.

I also thought I was looking forward to going back to school but after completing my first full week... I'm ready to be done. I think I've reached my limit. All classes are the same! Complete these few assignments, take the midterm, write a term paper and pass the final. It's so boring and hard to stay motivated when confronted with the same workload every quarter. I think I'm ready to be a working professional!

On top of this, I'm left wondering in these endless hours of alone time if my dying, one-sided relationship is really on its last leg. It's hard to tell but, honestly, it can't be done alone. Still, I'm trying to figure out which part of it I'm clinging to most. In the end, it's hard to make sense of someone else's actions without any communication. 'Nough said.

I can at least say that I've gotten to slow myself down in terms of work and other commitments. I've gotten to go to the gym, focus on myself and be selfish. Completely. I suppose that's worth the loneliness. Thanks for reading.